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Down a Dark Abby
The Culture and Media Institute’s analysis of
Dear Abby’s 2007 columns reveals that the world’s leading advice columnist
cannot be trusted to promote traditional sexual morality – but she can be
trusted to promote moral relativism.
By Colleen Raezler
Executive Summary
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Insist your newspaper carry a
disclaimer on Dear Abby Columns, take action now!
Dear Abby, What Do
You Think about Infidelity?
Dear Abby, Is it Okay for Teenagers to Have Sex?
Dear Abby, Why Do You Send Teens to Planned Parenthood for Information about
Sex?
Dear Abby, What Do You Have to Say About Homosexuality?
Dear Abby, Is It Okay for Unmarried Adults to Have Sex?
Dear Abby, What Else Do You Have to Say?
Conclusion
The Dear Abby column, founded by Pauline Phillips in 1956 and now written by
her daughter Jeanne, has a reputation for prescribing sensible advice for
many of life’s dilemmas, both big and small. Readers generally assume Abby
can be trusted to provide traditional advice on all topics.
However, a Culture and Media Institute analysis finds that Abby’s advice on
sexual issues frequently veers far away from traditional moral standards.
Traditional morality teaches that sex should be limited to married,
heterosexual couples, but Abby doesn’t see it that way.
CMI analyzed all 365 Dear Abby columns published in 2007 and found that Abby
routinely takes permissive stands on homosexuality and other forms of sexual
behavior, premarital sex, and even sex between teenagers. To determine
whether this permissive attitude was a recent development, CMI also reviewed
the Dear Abby columns turned up by Nexis searches for articles related to
sex and relationships. CMI also searched the Dear Abby Web site, which
offers columns dating back to 1995, and reviewed the columns reprinted in
the 1981 book The Best of Dear Abby. The research confirmed that the
Dear Abby column has consistently espoused sexually “liberated” viewpoints
for the past 30 years.
One
hundred and eight of Dear Abby’s 365 columns in 2007, or 30 percent,
addressed topics related to sex. Of those 108 columns,
- More than half (58)
rejected traditional morality.
- Ten addressed
homosexuality, and never did Abby say homosexuality is morally wrong.
- Fifty-four addressed sex
between unmarried adults, and only once did Abby say sex should be
preceded by marriage.
- Twelve addressed teen
sex, and only three columns advised abstinence
- Twenty addressed other
sexual activities such as nudism, stripping and cross-dressing, and
Abby’s attitude was consistently permissive.
“Dear Abby” has a vast audience. Her column runs in 1,400 newspapers
worldwide, seven days a week. Abby reaches 110 million readers daily,
nearly three times the daily audience of ABC, CBS and NBC news shows
combined. Abby’s advice is highly sought after, as indicated by the 10,000
letters and emails she receives each week.
Organizations report increased interest when Abby mentions them in her
column. The U.S. Consumer Information Center reported that in 2000, after
Abby told readers about a free consumer survival kit for women, their Web
site received 364,000 hits and their toll-free hotline fielded 48,000
calls. In 1992, Abby asked readers where they were when John F. Kennedy was
shot, and more than 300,000 people answered.
Operation Dear Abby, a program started during the Vietnam War in which Abby
encouraged readers to write to servicemen and women during the holidays, is
still going strong. Readers sent more than 375,000 emails in the first
three weeks after the operation’s Web site was launched in 2001.
Numbers tell the story. Abby has tremendous influence on American culture,
which makes her views on sex important. A 1996 Tulsa World article
celebrating Abby’s 40-year reign as “the most widely syndicated columnist in
the world,” referred to Abby as “Abigail, the nightingale, of sweet-sounding
advice.”
But
mixed into that “sweet-sounding advice” is a dose of cultural poison.
In
a 1997 article[i]
on Abby and her twin sister, Ann Landers, who advocated abortion and
legalization of prostitution in the advice column she penned for 47 years
until her death in 2002, W. Patrick Cunningham wrote, “Their pithy dictums
have seduced many into accepting the reasonableness of moral relativism;
they have, over the past 40 years, helped legitimize the revolution in
morality that has taken Western culture to the brink of extinction.”
Cunningham holds Master’s degrees in theology and education. He is a
Catholic Deacon and the principal of Central Catholic High School in San
Antonio, Texas.
How
is Abby pushing moral relativism on an unsuspecting public? And what is this
doing to the character of America?
Dear Abby, What Do You
Think about Infidelity?
Fifty percent of the columns that addressed sex in 2007 touched on the issue
of sex between unmarried adults. Thirty-six of those columns addressed
infidelity. And in only 10 of the columns addressing infidelity did Abby
suggest people stop cheating on their significant others or not to start.
Only once did Abby flatly state, “It is wrong,” and she never labeled
marital infidelity as adultery.
When
a woman wrote to Abby asking if she should agree to begin couples counseling
with her married lover, consulting the same marriage counselor that her
lover and his wife were seeing, Abby failed to say, “End the relationship
with the married man.” Instead she said, in a non-judgmental manner:
I think you should definitely have some sessions with the therapist who
is counseling your lover and his wife. They could prove enlightening.
I’m willing to bet the farm that the same issues that have caused him to
cheat on her are the ones at the root of your problems with him. I’m
not sure that “making this relationship work” would be in your best
interests.
Or
take the following two letters. “Confused in Illinois” explained to Abby
that while she has no interest in intimate relations with her husband, she
is now involved in a “passionate sexual relationship” with a female friend
she turned to for comfort and advice. Abby told “Confused” to “look at the
bright side. At least you finally understand what has been missing [in your
marriage].”
“Considering It” from San Mateo, California wrote to Abby asking if he was
“justified in taking on a lover on the side, discreetly, of course,” because
sex will improve health and his wife of 34 years has lost all interest in
it. Abby told him to ask his wife, and said, “If it’s all right with her,
it’s all right with me.”
While neither response is an outright endorsement of adultery, Abby clearly
implies that cheating on a spouse can be acceptable in certain situations
and that adultery is not intrinsically wrong.
Dear Abby, Is it Okay for
Teenagers to Have Sex?
Dear
Abby for decades has accepted teenage sex as merely a fact of life. In the
book, The Best of Dear Abby, released in 1981, she wrote:
I am not in favor of premarital sex for teen-agers, but once a girl
hasgone all the way it is unrealistic to think that she will stop simply
because she is denied the pill. So then what? She risks becoming
pregnant. And if she does, what has the doctor accomplished? He will
have been responsible for (a) an unwanted baby, (b) an abortion, or (c)
a hasty marriage. Which would you choose for your daughter?
This
stance has not changed. When challenged by a reader in 2007 about the
exclusion of “Are you married?” from her list of “Are you ready for
parenthood?” questions, Abby responded “Sex before marriage may be ‘wrong’
but if my mail is any indication, it’s happening.”
Twelve of the 2007 columns addressing sex tackled the issue of teen sex.
Abby suggested “waiting” in only two columns as a viable option for avoiding
pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. In a third column, a wise
reader advised teens to “save sex for marriage.”
One
girl wrote to Abby about the fact that her 12-year-old friend had sex in the
back of a van with a boy from school and now thinks she might be pregnant.
Abby correctly encouraged the girl to tell her mother, but chose to
highlight only the physical consequences of early sex. She simply said,
“Whether your friend is pregnant or not, she needs to be seen by a doctor
because she has become sexually active.” Abby did not advise the girl to
urge her friend to refrain from further sexual activity.
Another, presumably young, reader wrote to Abby asking if her boyfriend was
correct in assuming that breast development is a factor in the ability to
get pregnant. Abby used the question to say, “Under no circumstances should
you have unprotected sex. Not only will it place you at risk for pregnancy,
but also for sexually transmitted infections.” The unwritten but glaring
message is that “protected” sex is okay.
Even
when Abby does advise abstinence, she does not recommend abstinence until
marriage. A girl wrote to ask what to say to her sister to keep her from
having sex. Abby correctly stated, “having sex with someone because she’s
afraid that if she doesn’t she’ll lose him is doing it for the wrong
reasons.” However, Abby goes on to say:
Remind Heidi that giving her virginity is something she can onlydo once
– and that is the reason it should be with someone very special,
preferably the man she would like to spend the rest of her life with.
And even then, it should because she’s really ready and not because it
was something she was pressured into.
By
leaving out marriage entirely, Abby is tacitly endorsing premarital sex, and
even if it is practiced widely in our culture, Abby is supposed to have a
reputation for hard-nosed, direct advice that might fly in the face of
shifting values.
Dear Abby, Why Do You Send
Teens to Planned Parenthood for Information about Sex?
For
years, Abby’s favorite source of sexual expertise has been Planned
Parenthood, as evidenced by mentions and referrals. Only one column in
2007, however, referred readers to Planned Parenthood. A 17-year-old girl
wrote asking Abby if she thought sleeping with six guys meant she was
promiscuous, and while Abby said yes, it does mean that she is promiscuous,
she also stated:
The
first thing that comes to mind is whether or not you know how to protect
yourself from an unplanned pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease.
If the answer is no, then you need to see a doctor or visit a Planned
Parenthood clinic and learn about the real facts of life.
The
scarcity of 2007 referrals to Planned Parenthood is surprising because
Jeanne Phillips admitted in 2003 to “have long been a supporter” of the
organization, the nation’s largest abortion provider. In 1988, Planned
Parenthood awarded Pauline Phillips, the original author of the Dear Abby
column, the Margaret Sanger Award for her “leadership, excellence and
outstanding contributions to the reproductive health and rights movement.”
It’s
easy to see why Dear Abby was accorded that honor.
Abby
responded to a 1995 letter criticizing her support of Planned Parenthood by
reciting a list of the organization’s “good” works:
But thank you for giving me the chance to point out that Planned
Parenthood offers a wide range of reproductive health services that go
far beyond abortion -- although the agency prides itself on being a
pro-choice organization. Among the other services Planned Parenthood
provides are breast and pelvic exams; screening for sexually transmitted
diseases for both men and women; premarital blood testing in those
states that require it; contraceptive services;sterilization
consultation and procedures for both men and women; and prenatal care,
including professional advice on nutrition, exercise, pregnancy,
childbirth and postpartum care.
In
2003 Abby told a pregnant girl who signed herself “Alone and Terrified in
Columbus, GA:”
If it is at all possible, confide in your mother or another trusted
female adult right away…If there is no adult you trust enough to tell,
your next best option is to contact Planned Parenthood. The caring and
understanding staff will confirm whether or not you are pregnant. They
will then explain all of your options to you…Planned Parenthood is
listed in your phone book.
Some
readers took her words to mean that she was advising the young girl to abort
her baby. Abby defended the advice in a later 2003 column, stating, “I
urged her to confide in her mother or another trusted female adult, and if
she could not do that, to consult Planned Parenthood … I knew that Planned
Parenthood would advise her about her entire range of options.” She also
argued that “abortions are far safer today than they were 10 years ago --
and certainly safer than when the procedure was illegal and performed in
back alleys.” A postscript to the column stated, “I would advise women to
go to Crisis Pregnancy Centers if I were convinced they wouldn't be forced
to watch color videos of aborted fetuses.”
Abby
gives this type of advice to parents as well as teenagers. A parent wrote
to Abby in 2003 expressing concern over her 18-year-old daughter’s feeling
that sex is “no big deal.” Abby’s advice?
I recommend that you both attend some sex education sessions so she
hears with a fresh ear what the concerns really are. Planned
Parenthood, which is in your phone book, would be an excellent
reference.
While you’re at it, contact the American Social Health Association (ASHA)
and ask for some their comprehensive materials on sexually transmitted
diseases (STDs), which are rampant in our population. That way, even if
your daughter is not willing to take your concerns to heart, she will at
least know how to protect herself.
Abby
wasn’t alone in giving Planned Parenthood a ringing endorsement. She also
reprinted letters from readers like this one, who wrote in 2002 to hail the
organization:
You should have told “All Alone” that there are helpful agencies like
Planned Parenthood that provide help for teen-agers without requiring
legal consent of an adult. Not only can they provide medical attention
to ensure that “All Alone” is safe and can have children in the future,
but they provide the emotional support and peer counseling necessary to
give her confidence and renewed self-esteem.
Abby
printed a letter in 2000 from two women who worked for Planned Parenthood,
stating, “Sex education has been shown to delay the onset of sexual
intercourse, and parents are an excellent source for accurate sex
information. Teens also make better decisions when they decide to become
sexually active if they have had comprehensive sex education.” The same
letter also thanked Abby for her “continued crusade to protect our teens and
[her] confidence that they will make the right decisions when given honest
information.”
Planned Parenthood might teach young people to use contraceptives and
condoms to protect themselves and their partners from an unplanned pregnancy
or STDs, but will Planned Parenthood teach them that contraceptives and
condoms often fail? Will Planned Parenthood teach them about the toll the
“sexually liberated” lifestyle can take on a person’s mental, moral and
emotional health?
Dear Abby, What Do You Have to Say About
Homosexuality?
In
her 1981 book, The Best of Dear Abby, Pauline Phillips stated that
she, “for one, ha[s] always defended their [homosexuals’] rights to go their
own way.”
Twenty-six years and a new author later, the column still leads the fight to
convince America that homosexuality is normal and not immoral. All of
Abby’s columns that touched on homosexuality in 2007 were sympathetic to
homosexuality.
“Distressed Aunt” wrote to Abby, asking if she should “out” her nephew to
his parents after finding an online profile that listed his sexual
orientation as “bi.” Abby’s response was, “If your nephew were engaging in
self-destructive behavior, I would say tell his parents. However,
identifying one’s sexual orientation doesn’t fall into that category.”
“Perplexed in Michigan” wrote to Abby because she thought her husband was a
homosexual because of the attention he received from homosexual men. Abby
provided no moral comment on the man’s sexuality in her response:
I
can’t help but wonder where it is that your husband is meeting all of the gay men that he brags are hitting on
him. Could it be in gay bars? If that’s the case, then he’s gay.
Two
columns urged homosexuals and their families to turn to the pro-homosexual
organization PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) for support,
and one urged parents to turn to gay and lesbian community centers, but none
of the columns referred readers to organizations that help people overcome
homosexuality, such as Exodus International.
PFLAG, in fact, credits the Abby column with “chang[ing] the course of” the
organization’s history. Its Web site says the organization received more
than 7,000 letters after one mention in an Abby column in the 1980s. “Dear
Abby” also received PFLAG’s first-ever “Straight for Equality” award at its
2007 National Convention.
As a
public service announcement for PFLAG, Abby used a letter from a mother who
praised her son and his partner for allowing her to move in with them after
she shunned them for many years. Abby told the mother:
Thank you for pointing out how important it is
that people respect each other for who they are, not for what
we would like them to be. You could have learned that lesson long ago, had
you and your husband contacted Parents and Friends of
Lesbians and Gays when you first learned [your son] was gay.
Among other things, the organization offers support groups and
education for parents who need to learn more about gender
issues.
Abby
also lets her readers do the promoting. She prints letters in praise of
PFLAG, like this one which appeared later in 2007:
Thank you for recommending P-FLAG (sic) (Parents,
Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) to your
readers. It is an organization that provides understanding and
support to both gays and their families. I have a lesbian
daughter who has brought me much joy and pride. I went to P-FLAG
(sic) when she first came out, and it was the wisest
thing I ever did for the two of us.
In
2004, Abby told a young man who was worried about coming out to his family:
In your case, the “wisest thing to do” would be to contact
Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) and
request information about how to come out to your family. At the same
time, ask for literature that will help your family understand
that sexual orientation isn’t something a person “chooses” on
a lark, nor is it something for which a person should be punished.
In
2002 a mother wrote:
Thank you for the mention of PFLAG in your recent
column. PFLAG does a great job providing helpful
information for parents struggling with the coming-out of a son or
daughter.
It
did not come as a shock then, when on October 10, 2007, the Associated Press
reported that Phillips supports same-sex “marriage.” She told the news
bureau, “There should be gay marriage. I believe if two people want to
commit to each other, God bless ’em. That is the highest form of
commitment, for heaven’s sake.”
Dear Abby, Is It Okay for
Unmarried Adults to Have Sex?
Fifty-four columns on sex in 2007 specifically addressed sex between
unmarried adults. Only once did Abby suggest waiting until marriage before
engaging in sexual activity, and that was to a 59-year-old widow who asked
how to respond to her 71-year-old widower companion’s question about how she
feels about sex. Abby suggested, “The next time the gentleman asks how you
feel about sex, say, ‘I love sex. How do you feel about marriage?’”
One
reader wrote to Abby seeking advice about a “friends with benefits” sexual
relationship between uncommitted lovers. The man wanted to continue the
status quo of the relationship, while the reader wanted more. She asked,
“Should I find someone who wants me for me – and more than a friend with
benefits? Or should I wait it out and see what happens?” Abby’s response:
The time has come to tell him that being a “friend
with benefits” was not what you signed on for – and goodbye. You
should definitely look for someone who wants what you do in a
relationship. And because it can take time to find, start now. Waiting it out
with this “guy” would be a waste of time.
There is no suggestion that the woman should stop giving “benefits” without
a marriage certificate issued in her name and the name of person who would
like to receive said benefits – in other words, save it for marriage.
Another reader in a similar situation asked Abby what she should do
regarding a “friends with benefits” relationship she would like to take to a
more meaningful level.
The
traditional advice would be to tell the young woman to stop dispensing the
benefits, but Abby said:
My advice is to stop asking for a commitment, and
fill the time you’re not with him with friends – and other dates should
you meet someone you “click” with. When he calls, don’t always be
instantly available. Show some independence. Some men find that trait
very appealing – particularly if they’re relationship-phobic.
After three or four more months, you can then have that chat with him about
“where is this going?”
Another reader was wondering why a man with whom she “engaged in physical
activity” no longer speaks to her. Abby replied that she “engaged in
‘physical activity’ with him too soon.” Abby made it merely a matter of
timing, not the fact that they weren’t married.
A
reader with a psychiatry student boyfriend wrote to Abby complaining about
his need to analyze everything she says, to the point that they “can’t even
have sex without him analyzing [her] feelings.” Abby ignored any moral
concerns, advising the reader instead only to “remind him that he isn’t
licensed to practice yet – and tell him that sometimes a cigar is just a
cigar.”
Another letter raised the issue of sex between cousins, which Abby ignored
in her response:
DEAR
ABBY: I am 28 and have a wonderful 3-year-old daughter. When I was
12, my older cousin who was 16 at the time, fondled me, thinking I was
asleep. I said nothing about it and neither did he. That
was 16 years ago. A couple of weeks ago we had sex, and now I’m pregnant.
Should I lie to my family about who the father is? –Worried in Louisiana
DEAR
WORRIED: You should not keep it a secret from your family. Because your
cousin is the father of the baby, he will have a financial obligation to
support it.
Your obstetrician will need the information to determine whether your baby
hasa
risk for a genetic disorder. You
didn’t mention whether you plan to continue this affair or marry your
cousin. If
the answer is yes, then I urge you to make absolutely sure that he does not
do to your
daughter or the baby what he did to you when you were so young, because his
behavior was predatory.
Abby’s responses to these dilemmas illuminate her expansive views of sex.
Even sex between cousins is acceptable as long as it is consensual.
Dear Abby, What Else Do You Have to Say?
Twenty of Abby’s 2007 sex columns addressed offbeat sexual behaviors
including nudism, cross-dressing, paid escorts, prostitution, and
stripping.
In
typical fashion, Abby failed to defend traditional morality on any of these
issues. Instead, she fled headlong from taking any moral stand, condoning
any behavior as long as it is not hurting anybody else.
“Clothes-Minded In Wisconsin” wrote to Abby with concerns about a
16-year-old male neighbor who liked to walk around his family’s home without
clothes. After being in the boy’s presence while he was nude “dozens of
times,” “Clothes-Minded” asked Abby, “Is it normal for a 16-year-old boy to
walk around the house naked, in plain view of family members?” Abby said:
Standards regarding nudity vary from family to family, and obviously
the Smiths are casual and open-minded on the subject. It’s possible
that you have been their neighbor so long that the young man considers
you part of the family. Because he has matured sufficiently that his
nudity now makes you uncomfortable, you should hang curtains on your
windows that face the Smiths’ kitchen – and before dropping over there,
call to ask whether he’s presentable. If he’s not, then don’t go over.
“Challenged in Houston” asked Abby how to confront her nudist landlord about
his venturing outdoors in the nude, which made some of her visitors
uncomfortable. Abby never raised the issues of propriety, decency or simple
consideration. Instead, she told “Challenged” to “ask your friends not to
drop by without calling first. And when you know someone will be coming
over, ask your landlord to please cover up because his nudity is shocking to
some of your visitors.”
Abby
does not appear to have a problem with cross-dressing. “Alone With the
Secret” wrote to Abby after her cross-dressing husband died, wondering how
to explain it to her 11-year-old son. Abby responded:
As to discussing your husband’s other self with your son, my experts
advise that the best time to let children know about the cross-dressing
is when they are very young (3 or 4) and can accept it naturally as “the
way things are.” Eleven years old is too advanced an age for the
subject to be introduced now. You would do better to wait until the boy
has matured into his late teens or adulthood to discuss it with him.
Another woman wrote to Abby in an attempt to understand her boyfriend’s
desire to dress as a woman, even though they have an active sex life. Abby
ignored the immorality of unmarried sex, called cross-dressing a “quirk” and
said to the woman, “If I really cared about him, I think I’d ask to spend
some time with his ‘other self.’ Then I’d make up my mind about whether I
could accept the situation.”
“Teetering in Minnesota” asked Abby if he was wrong for not wanting to let
his girlfriend continue working as a paid escort. Abby told “Teetering”
that “your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to them” and to
“face the fact that [he] and Crystal have very different values, and let her
go.” It’s good advice, but commentary on paid escorts would have also
enlightened many of her readers.
A
young woman wrote to say she was concerned that men approach her only when
she is working as a stripper.
Dear Abby: I am 25 years old and still a virgin. I work as a stripper.
Outside of work I am just a normal girl, studying for my bachelor’s
degree in nursing. I am friendly, attractive and outgoing, but no man
has ever tried to approach or even talk to me when I’m not dancing
naked. Is there something wrong with me? – “Tassles” in Fort
Lauderdale.
Dear Tassles: I am sure there is nothing “wrong” with you. The men who
approach you when you’re dancing are not interested in the kind of
relationship you are looking for. Be patient, use this time to study,
and be thankful you aren’t being distracted right now. With a degree in
nursing, you will have a bright future ahead. I’m sure you’ll meet a
terrific life partner when the time is right.
How
about advising her to look for employment in a less “distracting”
environment?
A
letter about prostitution, finally, prompted Abby to show a hint of moral
backbone. “Trixie” asked Abby what she can do to stop “doing sexual acts
for money” because she was afraid she might be harmed while doing so. Abby
referred her to Sexaholics Anonymous and also Sex Workers Anonymous before
stating that she found prostitution “sad.” Strong words coming from the
non-judgmental Abby.
Conclusion
Dear
Abby is not a trustworthy advisor on sexual matters. Her rejection of
traditional morality underlies faulty advice about a myriad of sexual and
relational issues, which exposes her readers to individual risk and pain,
contributes to the degradation of the broader society, and ultimately wars
against people taking personal responsibility for their lives and their
loved ones.
Unfortunately, most people view Abby as a reliable source of wisdom, and she
reaches tens of millions of readers every day. Eighty percent of Dear Abby
readers are between the ages of 18 and 49, and most of the rest are under
18. Abby’s audience is the rising generation that will shape America’s
future, and she is telling them that infidelity isn’t always wrong, that the
only serious risks of sex outside marriage are pregnancy and disease, and
that homosexuality, nudism and cross-dressing are normal.
The
logical result of following Abby’s advice is fewer marriages, more sexual
experimentation and fewer strong families producing self-governing citizens.
Publications that carry Abby might want to consider carrying a label:
Warning: Although Abby has a reputation as the stern aunt who can
deliver a well-placed kick to your backside when needed, on sexual
topics her foot will push you further in the wrong direction at least
half the time.
[1]W.
Patrick Cunningham. “Mainstreaming Moral Relativism: The Friedman Twins,”
Culture Wars. April, 1997.
Colleen
Raezler is a research assistant at the Culture and Media Institute
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